


Don't Wait For Me

by SweetDreamsDarling



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Death, Grief, Hospitals, M/M, Phil dies im sorry, Sad Dan Howell, Sad Ending, Sick Phil Lester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-17 23:29:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13669539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetDreamsDarling/pseuds/SweetDreamsDarling
Summary: Phil's taken ill suddenly, and no one knows what's really going on inside.Dan tries to be an optimist.Phil knows he's dying.Dan doesn't. But Dan needs to learn how to live again.





	Don't Wait For Me

All it was was a sharp pain that had come during the night. Phil just thought he'd perhaps had too much lactose, or he'd got an upset stomach, but it was much more painful that he'd experienced. The next morning he'd woken Dan up by sending a pan clattering to the floor, his body falling with it as he began to violently convulse. There isn't a metaphor for Dan's feelings at that time, there was no dramatic sobbing on the floor, all he did was stare. His boyfriend was on the floor and he had gone into shock, he'd got no clue what was going on or if Phil was okay. He couldn't even get his hand to his pocket to dial 999 and get help until Phil was beginning to settle slightly.   
  
The phone call was probably the most scared Dan has ever been, he'd pushed past his anxiety and told the woman on the end of the phone what had happened, confirming his address while he checked to see if Phil was still breathing. Of course, there was the generic 'stay calm, everything will be okay', but Dan had a terrible feeling brewing inside of him. Phil didn't seem okay, if he was just sick then he'd just go to bed and sleep it off with tea and a video game.   
  
It was agonising to wait for an ambulance to come, Dan could physically feel seconds ticking by and taunting him. Something really wasn't ringing right with him, there was something going on that neither he or Phil knew about and it was heartbreaking.   
  
The paramedics barged in at the faint call Dan offered, he didn't even register them until one gently pressed his arm to break him from his mind. "Excuse me? Are you coming with him to the hospital?" It was a woman, mousy brown hair tied up in a pony tail, she had a look of pity that made Dan want to throw up on the spot. The other paramedic, a man, was helping Phil to stand up.   
  
"Y-Yes. I'm coming." Dan nodded, feeling the woman's hand between his shoulder blades to push him forwards. He waited for Phil and looked at the male paramedic, smiling slightly, "I'll walk him from here."   
  
Phil was a deadweight against Dan, and it felt like he was being crushed both by him, and the overwhelming fear. All he could focus on was holding him to walk down the steps and the frightened sobs that were coming from Phil.   
  
He didn't have a clue what was going to hit him.  
  
The paramedic strapped Phil into the bed, Dan coiled himself into one of the hard seats. There was a third paramedic that was driving the ambulance, and the man got in beside him with the woman in the back.   
  
"He'll be okay, won't he?" Dan asked, chewing on the side of his nail anxiously. Phil didn't like needles, he hated the feeling of them being pushed into his veins, but he didn't react when he had one pushed into his hand. "There's no way of saying. I'm sorry, I never got your name?"  
"Daniel."  
"I'm sure Mr Lester will be fine, he'll-"  
"Please call him Phil, I hate the formality of all of this."   
  
Dan really did hate it, it reminded him of when he was in hospital. Phil would bring him McDonald's secretly and they'd laugh whenever a nurse glanced a knowing eye at them. It was a joke to them for Dan to whine that he was dying, Phil listing off the songs he wanted at the funeral and promising to make sure he looked amazing in his casket.   
  
That was all fun and games. For some reason, Dan had a gut feeling that this time wasn't going to be so fun. But he shoved it back, he was always pessimistic. He replaced those thoughts with knowing Phil would recover, after all, it wasn't as if he was flat lining right in front of him.  


The ambulance ride was pretty silent, Phil had closed his eyes and his breathing was steady, the woman was tapping things onto some kind of tablet, and Dan was lost in his own thoughts of what they'd do when this ordeal was over with. He had a plan to propose to Phil soon, he wanted to solidify everything they'd been through and make the huge leap. Everyone thought they were married anyway.   
  
Hospitals smell of disinfectant, and Dan grimaced at it when he stepped through the doors of the emergency department alongside the stretcher bed Phil was on. He was still asleep, body tired from what it'd been too, and the woman wasn't rushing all that much. "Daniel? Can I ask what relation you are to Phil?" She spoke up, but didn't look. It took Dan by surprise, he was always with Phil and he'd forgotten people didn't know that automatically. "I'm his boyfriend. Soon to be fiancé." He didn't know why he added the last part, he just wanted to say it to someone. "That's lovely, I hope everything goes well for you." But she still didn't look at Dan, he didn't really know what she was looking at. She was just staring into space, instinct taking them to a ward.   
  
He had to wait outside while they hooked Phil up to different machines and settled him in a bed and in a gown. Dan wanted to shout at them, telling them that he should be the one putting Phil in a gown so he didn't feel weird about it all, but he couldn't.   
  
It felt like hours before someone told him he could go in, and he went in like a shot. Phil was awake, a bit groggy but awake nonetheless. "You're an idiot, you scared me to death." He laughed, taking a seat in the plastic chair and taking Phil's hand. "That was the plan."   
"I'll go home and bring your stuff back, and grab us some McDonald's for old time's sake?" Phil was aching all over, so turning his neck was alarmingly painful, but he managed to nod slightly and smile. "Well, Lester, I'll be back in 2 hours tops, don't get going anywhere!"   
  
1 hour and 49 minutes later, Dan burst through the doors of the room Phil was given, swinging a duffle bag over his shoulders. "I have seen some horrors in my life, but never as bad as what was in your bedside drawer." He raised his eyebrow and watched an alarming blush spread on Phil's cheeks in contrast to his pasty skin. "I just want food." Phil croaked.   
  
It wasn't long before Dan had wolfed down a Big Mac and Phil had had his cheese burger, they had a strange argument about who was going to have which thing, sharing a coke as they did. They had to hide the bag so the nurses wouldn't get suspicious if they did a surprise visit for Phil.   
  
It was getting on for 7pm and Phil was sleeping, he was tired out from the small events of the day. Dan was beginning to drop off too; his head kept falling to look at the floor and his hand loosened it's grip on Phil's. The blinds had been pulled down the small door window and the one at the side of the room so they could get some rest.   
  
After 4 months of Dan falling asleep at his bedside with him, Phil was wide awake with fright.  
  
4 months of tests and nothing had come back, and the pain that Phil experienced wouldn't go away no matter what he did to help himself. Dan insisted on sitting in when doctors came to talk, but Phil had to force him to go home and have a shower and get some real food - not just sloppy hospital food or protein bars from the extremely overpriced store.   
  
They'd done a blog type video in the hospital where they announced a short break from YouTube for Phil to recover, and Dan stressed that they would both come back with a bang. The thing that broke Phil's heart was that Dan seemed so sure he'd recover. But he might not. It wasn't that Phil had been told for sure, but the pain was worse and he felt lethargic constantly, not that he'd tell Dan.   


Viewers tweeted good wishes, checking up on him and asking if he was getting out anytime soon, but Phil couldn't answer any of them. People were under the impression that he was the strong one, that he never had any issues, but it wasn't the case this time. When Dan left his side to get Phil a new book, or to shower, or tend to the house plants  (which were actually living), he'd cry. Phil would coil up on himself and sob until he couldn't anymore.   
  
Dan got loopy off of morphine when he was given it, but Phil just felt numb. It never did last very long, the pain kicked back in soon enough, but the doctors simply shrugged and gave Phil a look of pity.    
  
But Dan let his smile falter eventually, the optimism wore thin. He'd started to spend more time at the hospital and neglected his self care. Phil had to smile and force Dan to go take a shower and eat, but he hated seeing it happen because he was suppose to be the strong one. Everyone said it. Phil was the sun. Phil made Dan happy, and now Dan was sad. He'd noticed that Dan was losing weight and the bags under his eyes were a harsh purple.   
"Dan, please can you get some rest and eat."   
"I'm not leaving you."  
"Please, you're tired and lying by my bed isn't helping you."  
"I'm not."  
They had that conversation every couple of days and it never ended any different, Dan only left when he really needed a shower, and he was back within an hour.  
  
But exactly 4 months and 16 days after he was admitted, Phil got the news he dreaded. Dan had gone to have a shower, and the doctors had noticed the way he was acting. Dr Stevens, Phil's doctor, decided to have a one-to-one conversation with Phil about what was happening.   
  
"Hello Phil, how are you feeling today?" He grinned, holding his clipboard to his chest. "I'm all fine and dandy, feeling like I can run a marathon today!" He laughed, but it came out like sandpaper on his throat. "Now, what you really feel like?" He took the plastic chair - not the plush one that they'd allowed Dan, it turned into a bed - crossing his ankles over. "I'm just aching, I feel like I'm swimming all the time." He scribbled some things down on the paper. "Okay, now, Philip," the full name. "I have to tell you, I have some bad news." And Phil knew. He knew exactly what was going on. "I'm dying, aren't I?" Phil had a kind of calm about him, it made the doctor stutter a little. "Yes. Philip, I know it's a lot to digest, but it's quick." The doctor went on about various counts, different cells and scans and results, but Phil zoned out.   
  
Dan.   
He was leaving Dan.  
  
By the time the doctor left, he'd told Phil he would know when it was happening with him being restless and with low blood pressure, but that he'd just know. He'd also asked if he could speak to Dan, but Phil would never allow that. He had to tell Dan, but he had no clue how he was going to go about it. The doctor thought that Phil could maybe write a letter for Dan to keep and remember him by, that it'd be nice, and one for his video viewers if needed. It sounded like a good idea, so Phil naturally asked for a stack of paper, envelopes and a pen or two.   
  
Dan shuffled in about 45 minutes after the doctor had left, his head hung low and for a moment Phil got scared that he knew. "Dan? What's wrong?" He said, reaching up to get his hand. "Louise, PJ, and a few others, they want me to go out with them at the weekend to try and liven me up..." He averted Phil's eyes and sighed. "Phone, give me your phone." Phil pointed at the outline in Dan's jeans. "Why do you want it?" He asked, getting it out and passing it over. He didn't bother unlocking it, Phil knew the code. "I'm texting Louise. You're going to go and have fun, I'll be okay." He was typing fast, the tubes attached to him weren't holding him back at all. "Phil-"  
  
But it was too late, he'd sent the message and was handing the phone back to Dan. "I don't want to leave you." He frowned, but Phil just stuck his tongue out slightly. "Well, you have to."   


Things carried on the same for the rest of that week, but Dan was a little happier than he had been. He was rambling on about random things, and when he was gone Phil got to writing.   
  
The Friday rolled around too soon and Phil begged Dan to get him a McDonald's and to spend the day with him, he didn't want him to leave. Up until then he was at peace with dying, he was serene, but now he didn't want to go. But he couldn't stop it anymore than Dan could, and he still didn't know. All he needed to know was written in the letters, everything was there. He'd written 2 for Dan, 1 for his subscribers, 1 for his parents, 1 for Martyn and Cornelia and 1 for his other friends. All were in green metallic envelops that the doctor got for Phil especially.   
  
Dan had spent the night with Phil because he wouldn't be seeing him at the weekend, but Phil lay awake staring at Dan. He was beautiful, everything about him was beautiful; not that Dan saw it enough. It was all in the letter so that he could read it whenever he needed to, but the toughest thing was when he told Dan to live. To move on.   
  
Dan and Phil.   
Daniel Howell.   
Phil wouldn't be there anymore.   
People would slip up, say his name, but then he'd be a distant memory and would fade away.   
  
"Morning Lester." Were the first words out of his mouth on the Friday morning, his hair was messy and eyes half shut with the remains of sleep. "Good morning Howell." One of Phil's arms was slung over his eyes, keeping him from facing the day and to hide his tears from Dan.   
  
He was dying.   
  
"Phil?" Dan took his wrist and took his arm away from his eyes, "Phil, what's wrong? Have the doctors said anything?" It was the perfect time to tell him, but Dan needed to go out with Louise and their friends. He needed to be Dan without Phil, needed to live like Phil couldn't. "I'm fine, really." Phil smiled, but the look he got in response was skeptical. "No, you aren't. You've been crying."   
  
Phil just hugged him, babbled that he was just in pain and that he didn't want him to worry and for the weekend to be ruined. Dan would have to leave at 10 to meet Louise and go wherever it was that she wanted to go with them all. "Will you be okay all weekend on your own?" Dan asked when the clock hit 9, he was on his phone showing Phil a video of a corgi. "I will, things are going to be okay."   
  
When it got to 10, Dan kissed Phil goodbye and promised that the weekend would go quickly and they'd be together soon. The hardest thing was smiling through it all, because Phil knew he wouldn't be here on Monday. He felt lost, numb, weightless, all the things that were a cliché.   
  
He checked all the letters that evening, but his head was somewhere else, then lay them on the visitors bed next to him.   
  
And then he shut his eyes.   
  
He slept through the night, but on Saturday morning he felt worse. He was restless and the pain was too much to be awake for.   
  
So he shut his eyes again.  
  
Only this time, he didn't open them.   
  
Dan got a phone call at exactly 12:23 from an unknown number, so he answered it.  
"Hello, is this Mr Howell? Philip Lester's boyfriend?"  
  
Everyone stared at Dan.  
  
"Yes, it's me. Is he... Is he okay?" Dan was clutching the phone, as if it were Phil. Deep down, he knew what had happened. "I suggest you come down to the hospital, it looks like he didn't tell you about this?" The voice on the other end said, it showed no emotion at all. "About what? For fucks sake, just tell me!" Dan was shouting into the phone, no one knew how to react to it at all. "Mr Lester has passed on, but there's some things here for you, I am so sorry."   
  
Dan hit the button to end the call and sank to his knees. "Phil..." The word he uttered so often, the man he loved, gone. "Phil... Phil..." He was repeating it over and over, everyone exchanged a glance. "Dan, what's happened?" Louise crouched to meet his eyes. "Phil... He's gone..."  


* * *

 

_'Dear Dan,_

_I love you. That's why I couldn't tell you that I was dying, I couldn't break your heart like that. I promise it was quick, I'll always be there. If I can, I'll haunt you until the end of time!_

_That would be selfish of me really._

_You need to live. I want you to live, love, and to smile. You, Daniel James Howell, have made me the happiest man ever. I wanted to grow old with you, have a few kids and dogs, but unfortunately it didn't turn out like that. Life can be selfish. There are more letters to be given out, please don't isolate yourself, my family will always love you and be there for you too, just keep your chin up._

_Once again, I love you. So much. More than you will ever know._

_\- love from Phil x'_


End file.
